Never Had The Chance
by Aimless
Summary: Everyone must deal with Gabe's death. COMPLETE


A/N: Okay, I didn't realize until after receiving a not-so-kind review, but I had inadvertently omitted one paragraph from my opening statements, so here it is. Not only is this a death fic, but also the cause of death was taken from real life. Jesse Nilsson, the actor who played Gabe Patterson in AI passed away in April. This story was written specifically for a small group of his fans who I have come to consider my friends. I did not personally know Jesse, nor do I know his family. No disrespect was intended with this fic.  
  
TITLE: Never Had The Chance  
  
AUTHOR: Aimless - aimless_210@hotmail.com  
  
RATING: PG for language  
  
SPOILERS: None  
  
SYNOPSIS: Judson and Mac must deal with Gabe's death - as told by several different characters.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them (sigh - if only) and I'm not making a dime here. No copyright infringement is intended so please don't sue me. Besides, all you'd get is a pocket full of lint, a couple of cats, and some half-dead houseplants.  
  
NEVER HAD THE CHANCE  
  
~MAC~  
  
There he is.  
  
I knew someone would come sooner or later, I just never believed he would have the nerve to show his face here. But there he is. Senator William Patterson. He stands there on the pier in his expensive three-piece suit, looking as pompous and arrogant as he did the first time I met him. There's not a hair out of place or a speck of dust on his shoes. Two burly men stand beside him. It doesn't take a genius to figure out why they're here.  
  
"I've come to get my son's things."  
  
Bastard.  
  
It's been less than a week! The funeral was only yesterday! If it had been up to the good Senator, I'm sure we would have never even known about the services. Thank goodness Gabe's sister had the decency to notify us. She's also the one who called to tell us that he'd d-...  
  
God! I can't even bring myself to think about it! I knew he wasn't feeling well when he left to visit his family, but...  
  
"Come on aboard, Senator."  
  
What?!  
  
I can't believe my ears! Did Judson actually invite that asshole into our home? Doesn't he realize what that man is going to do? He and his men are going to comb through the Vast Explorer and take everything that belonged to Gabe. They'll leave us with nothing but fading memories. I'm sure they'd rip those away too if it was possible.  
  
The trio comes aboard and instantly head for Gabe's cabin.  
  
"No!"  
  
Even to my own ears, the word sounds like a strangled sob. I race to catch up with them and manage to stop them at the door to the room. I see no surprise on their faces, no sorrow, no remorse.  
  
"I'm not going to let you take him away!" I shout. The words may not make any sense, but I can tell the Senator understands the meaning behind them.  
  
If anything, his features become sterner, his dark eyes colder. For the moment those eyes transfix me. Gabe's eyes weren't that color. No, his eyes were much lighter. Not quite blue, but not quite green either. And they were warm and expressive. Every aspect of Gabe's personality shone through in his eyes. Caring, curiosity, intelligence, determination, ambition. Once in a while, when the subject of his family would come up, Gabe's eyes would cloud over and become almost unreadable. I often wondered what emotions were running around in his mind in those moments. Regret, sorrow, fear, longing? He would never tell me, so I always did the only thing I could. I changed the subject. Anything to get that spark back into those eyes.  
  
"Ms. Previn," the Senator's voice interrupts my thoughts. It's just as cold and hard as the rest of him. He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out an envelope. "I had truly hoped this wouldn't be necessary, but I took the precaution of obtaining a court order." He holds the envelope out to me but Judson interrupts.  
  
"That won't be necessary, Senator." Judson wraps one arm around my shoulders and holds his other hand up in the universal 'halt' gesture. "You won't have any trouble from us. You and your men can go ahead and do what you came here for. We'll just stay out of your way."  
  
This is so wrong.  
  
I feel like the world has suddenly shifted into another dimension and I'm the only one who recognizes the change.  
  
"But, Judson," I plead, my eyes wide and unblinking from shock. Doesn't he realize what allowing these men to 'do what they came here for' would mean to us? Doesn't he understand how much I...we...I need to have some of Gabe's things here right now?  
  
"Mac." Judson locks sorrow-filled green eyes with mine and I see the tears welling up, threatening to spill down his cheeks. He doesn't need to say any more. I can see the resignation on his face, the tired, defeated slump in his shoulders, and I could hear the waver in his voice when he said my name. He's feeling the loss as acutely as I am. The very least I can do is make this as easy on him as possible.  
  
"Okay." Though I honestly mean it, the simple word of agreement is the hardest I've ever had to say. As it leaves my mouth, it latches on to and takes a piece of my soul with it.  
  
Judson squeezes my shoulder and offers a small, tight smile. I return the gesture and excuse myself to my cabin where I intend to remain until Senator Patterson and his men have completed their task. I make it as far as my door before my façade slips and the tears flow anew.  
  
I'm a trained special-ops agent. I've been in battle and watched men - friends - die without losing my cool. I should be able to do this, shouldn't I?  
  
I've been crying for almost 15 minutes before I'm willing to admit to myself the true nature of my pain. Gabe was more than just a friend. He, Judson, and I have become a family in the last few years. Heck, in Gabe's case, I think we were probably a lot closer than his biological family. We fought, laughed, and loved just like blood relatives. When Gabe d--, not only did I lose one of my best friends, I also lost a piece of that family.  
  
More fat tears roll down my cheeks and wrenching sobs rattle my body. He had been in Vermont for three weeks prior to his d--. No one expected it to happen. We weren't with him.  
  
I never had the chance to say goodbye.  
  
~JUDSON~  
  
It's been almost a full 24 hours since Senator Patterson and his men left, taking all traces of Gabe's belongings with them, and Mac has yet to come out. Well, that's not entirely true. She's no longer in her room. I know because I tried to check on her last night before I went to bed and she wasn't there. I wasn't worried, though, and I'm still not, because I know exactly where she is. She's in the same place I've found her each time she's disappeared over the last week. Gabe's cabin. I understand her motives completely because I've done it myself.  
  
Ever since Connie called us to deliver the terrible news I've caught myself wandering into my young friend's room seeking comfort. Honestly, I don't know if it brought me comfort or simply more pain to be surrounded by his things. I guess it's a moot point now because even that option has been taken from us.   
  
Mac looked like she was ready to strangle the life from the Senator when he and his men showed up to collect Gabe's things, but fortunately, I was able to stop her. Gabe was his son and in spite of our feelings for our friend, genealogy, and therefore the law, was on the Senator's side.  
  
While Mac went to her cabin to mourn the loss of our last tie to Gabe, I did the same in my own cabin.   
  
I stand outside the door to what was once Gabe's cabin and debate the issue of entering. I know the wounds are still new and raw, but Mac is going to have to let go and move on with her life if they're ever going to heal.  
  
Yeah, Judson. If it's that easy, why are you so reluctant to follow your own advice?  
  
Arguing with myself isn't going to get anything accomplished. I raise my hand and softly tap on the door. As expected, I receive no answer but I push the door open and enter anyway.  
  
I'm not really sure what I expected, but the sight of the bare room comes as a shock. The only things that remain are the bed that has been stripped down to the mattress and the small empty dresser. It looks exactly as it had before Gabe joined us. It's almost as if he'd never been a part of the crew or a part of our lives. The thought hits me like a slap in the face and I gasp in surprise.  
  
When I've recovered somewhat, I finally let my eyes focus on Mac's form. She's sitting on the bed with her back against the headboard and her knees drawn up. She's clutching a pillow - Gabe's pillow - tightly to her chest. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy and her nose is red and swollen from crying. Her hair is mussed and her clothes - yesterday's clothes - are rumpled. I wonder how long it's been since she's slept.  
  
"Mac," I call softly. Surprisingly, this gains her attention.  
  
"Everything's gone," she states as she looks around the room. Her voice is so child-like, so lost that the desire to rush over and gather her into my arms is impossible to resist. It's exactly what I do.  
  
I join her on the bed and pull her close to me. I feel dampness on my shoulder as Mac allows a few silent tears to fall. I know she was talking about more than Gabe's possessions when she said that everything was gone. She was talking about Gabe himself.  
  
Gabe is gone.  
  
Gabe is dead.  
  
This was as close as Mac has ever come to saying the words. Perhaps she's finally beginning to accept it, but her denial is another thing I can easily understand. It's human nature to try to deny something we haven't seen with our own eyes.  
  
Gabe hadn't been feeling well for several days when we were offered a job that would require being out on the open sea for more than a week. He insisted that he would be fine by the time we were ready to depart, but instead he had gotten a bit worse. It didn't seem to be anything too serious, but when he reluctantly admitted to some slight breathing difficulties, I insisted that he go to a doctor.  
  
Pneumonia.  
  
It had been caught early, but the prescription was still a couple of weeks of rest - not something he would be getting much of if we took that job. Mac and I agreed to refuse the job, but Gabe wouldn't hear of it. He claimed that we couldn't afford to lose it and he was right, so we compromised. We found someone to temporarily take Gabe's place and, after seeing him safely off to Vermont to visit his family, we headed out.  
  
The job took longer than expected but we had kept in contact with our missing teammate and all seemed to be going well. He was still weak, but getting better. Two weeks later we docked in Beau Harbor with the expectation that our friend would join us in another week. He never returned.  
  
Two days before Gabe was due home, the phone rang. Call it intuition or ESP, but Mac and I had both been edgy all day and we both leapt for the phone. She beat me by a fraction of a second.  
  
I watched Mac's anxious face drain of color as she silently listened to the person on the other end of the line. Then, Mac suddenly snapped.  
  
"I don't know who you are or what kind of sick joke you're trying to pull here, but it's not at all funny," she screamed into the receiver. She continued to argue passionately with the caller until I finally pried the phone from her white-knuckled grip.  
  
"He's dead," a feminine voice cried. It took a while to calm the caller's hysterical sobs enough to get her to tell me who she was. Constance Patterson, Gabe's twin sister. All hope that this was a prank call immediately vanished.  
  
After half an hour, I had finally gathered enough information to piece together what had happened.  
  
Gabe had died.  
  
He had been doing well and was recovering quite nicely from his illness. He had been following his doctor's advice and had been resting and eating properly and taking his medicine. He hadn't shown up for lunch that day so his mother had taken a tray to his room. When he didn't respond to her attempts to wake him, she had called 911, but he was already gone. Heart failure. The stress his body had been under from his prolonged illness had simply been too much for his heart to handle.  
  
I wrote down the information about the funeral services and burial with numb fingers, thanked Connie and hung up the phone. It was all so surreal. The numbness washed over the rest of my body, forcing me to sit down.   
  
I honestly don't remember a thing that happened until several days later at the funeral.  
  
The funeral was a grand affair. The church was filled with beautiful flower arrangements and more people than I could count. I know that some people were only there due to the fact that Gabe's father was a Senator, but there wasn't a dry eye in the building; myself and Mac included.   
  
A somber-faced priest delivered a eulogy that was pleasantly surprising. It centered completely on Gabe and even included the fact that he was working as a member of Adventure Inc. - something that I later learned could be attributed to his siblings. No mention was made of his family's social status or the fact that his father was a U.S. Senator.  
  
When the church services had ended, the funeral procession led us to a small cemetery where the priest gave a final blessing and a large choir sang a series of beautiful hymns. I know that Gabe would have probably argued that he didn't want all the fuss, but I can't help but to disagree. He deserved it.  
  
After the burial, a lot of people gathered at the Senator's mansion. Mac and I went as well. The place was large and beautiful and had a number of family portraits on the wall, but I couldn't 'feel' Gabe's presence. Our flight was due to leave in a few hours and Mac and I both wanted to get home so we decided to pay our final respects to the family. That was when everything went wrong.  
  
Accusations were thrown out and people were yelling. Isaiah and Connie comforted their mother and Thaddeus restrained his father as I finally pulled Mac away from the verbal sparring match she was having with the Senator. The final words we heard as we were escorted out the door were those of the Senator informing us that they would be by to collect Gabe's things.  
  
I can hear a change in Mac's breathing and she relaxes against me. She's finally asleep. I don't want to disturb her much-needed rest, so I settle myself beside her and close my eyes. I have no intention of leaving this spot until she wakes.  
  
"I'm having trouble remembering him," a sad, sleepy voice whispers into my ear. "It hasn't even been a month since I saw him last and I'm having trouble remembering what his voice sounded like and even what he looked like."  
  
Mac's not really awake so I don't respond. I simply stroke her dark hair back from her face and kiss her forehead. She cuddles closer to me and releases a soft sigh.  
  
I understand exactly what Mac means because I've been experiencing the same problem. It's been a month since we've seen Gabe. We weren't there when he died.  
  
We never had the chance to say goodbye.  
  
~THADDEUS~  
  
As I approach the Vast Explorer a nervous knot forms in the pit of my stomach. I'm not exactly sure how my arrival will be greeted. Will they welcome me into their home or will they slam the door in my face and sever all ties with my family and me? After what happened the day of the funeral, who could blame them if they chose the latter?  
  
I'd like to say that Father was just tired and mourning the loss of his son, but the truth be told, I think it was more of a jealousy issue. Judson Cross and Mackenzie Previn had become such an important part of Gabe's life that our father felt left out. He was angry that his son would turn his back on the life that had been planned for him since birth and jealous of the people Gabe had joined up with.  
  
Whatever his excuse, Father was wrong to accuse them of killing his son. He claimed that if Judson and Mac hadn't lured Gabe away from his family he wouldn't have been exposed to whatever had caused his illness.  
  
Of course, Mackenzie wasn't about to take any of that quietly. She quickly informed Father that, while Gabe was ill, he was very much alive when he was turned over to our care and that Father was the one to 'kill' him.  
  
Well, let's just say that the argument escalated from there. Each side eventually separated and retreated to their own territory to lick their wounds. Then Father took it one step further.  
  
I look down to the large box I'm holding. I can hardly believe that Father came here, less than 24 hours after the funeral, armed with a court order, and took everything! *sigh* Yes, I can. As soon as I saw this stuff, I knew I had to bring it back.  
  
I'm about to call out when Judson appears on the deck of the ship.  
  
"Thaddeus? What are you doing here?" He doesn't sound angry, but he doesn't exactly sound happy to see me either.  
  
"I, uh, have some stuff to give to you." It may sound lame to his ears, but it's the truth.  
  
"Come on up," he instructs before quickly disappearing below deck.  
  
I swallow my heart, which has leapt into my throat, unglue my feet from the pier, and board the Vast Explorer. It's the first time I've ever been on the ship, but I can see why Gabe liked it. It's beautiful!  
  
It's obvious that everything had been built to be functional and convenient, but the superb craftsmanship and elegant details combined with the colors and decorative touches help provide a warm, homey atmosphere. Though Father has taken all of Gabe's things out of here, I can easily see my brother in each and every room.  
  
I follow Judson into the living room and come face to face with Mac.  
  
"Thaddeus," she greets me. Once again, there is no anger, but no warmth either.  
  
"Sit down, Thaddeus," Judson instructs, gesturing to a chair. "Can I get you something to drink?"  
  
"No, thanks. I'm fine," I say as I set the box down on the coffee table and take a seat in a comfortable armchair. "Look, I just wanted to bring these things back and apologize for what my father..."  
  
Judson sits on the couch next to Mac and puts a hand up, effectively cutting me off. "Don't worry about that. Things were said by both sides that shouldn't have been. Let's just try to put it behind us and move on."  
  
I feel a great sense of relief wash over me.  
  
"How's the family?" Mac asks, genuinely interested. I see now why Gabe loved these people so much.  
  
"Isaiah and I are as good as can be expected. I think Mom is still in a stage of denial." They both nod their heads. I can tell that they understand. "Connie is pretty torn up," I continue.  
  
"That's understandable," Judson interjects. "It's bad enough to lose a sibling, but to lose a twin..."  
  
"Even fraternal twins share a unique bond," Mac continues for him. "I couldn't imagine what it must feel like to have that bond suddenly ripped away."  
  
I can't help but agree.  
  
"And Father, well, what can I say about him?" This earns a small chuckle from my companions. "In all seriousness, my father is a good man. He's just angry and vengeful right now because, essentially, Gabe has been out of his life for the last several years. When he finally came back, even if it was supposed to be for a relatively short visit, this happened. It was just so unexpected. Gabe was alone in his room while we were all downstairs. No one even had the chance to say goodbye."  
  
Judson and Mac look to each other with identical expressions on their faces. I'm not sure what to make of that expression, but I can see the silent communication pass between the two friends.   
  
We lapse into a comfortable conversation for the next 20 minutes, but I can see Judson's and Mac's eyes drifting towards the box. I think it's time for me to leave so they can explore its contents. I stand and they mirror my action.   
  
"Look, I've really got to get going. My flight leaves soon. I just wanted to bring this by." I tap the box. "It's mostly some family photos that I thought you might enjoy."  
  
After a couple of hugs and well wishes, I leave. I'm pleased with what I've done here and hope my gesture brings as much comfort to these two people as it has to me.  
  
~MAC~  
  
We see Thaddeus to his taxi and wave as it pulls away. The instant the vehicle turns the corner and is out of sight, Judson and I race for the box. We reach it at the exact same time and fumble over each other's hands in our eagerness to open the flaps and reveal the box's contents.  
  
"AARGH!" I can't stop the frustrated, anguished scream that escapes my lips when the box flaps are opened and we see a cardboard divider that keeps the contents hidden from our view. I'm about to tear the divider out when Judson places his hand on my arm.  
  
"What's this?" he questions as he picks up a manila envelope I had completely overlooked.  
  
He opens the envelope and removes a small group of papers and another envelope. I study the papers over Judson's shoulder and gasp when I realize what they are.  
  
Gabe's will.  
  
Apparently, being the son of a U.S. Senator meant that he had to be prepared for this. We scan through the pages and notice our names listed several times. I'll admit that I'm curious, but none of these things could ever replace our lost friend.  
  
"Oh my God!"  
  
I return my attention to the will to find out what has surprised Judson. Before I'm able to figure it out, Judson sets the papers down and reaches for the second envelope. He opens it and pulls out a check. It's from the Gabriel Patterson Trust Fund and made payable to Adventure Inc. It's for $50,000.  
  
We stare dumbly at the check for a few minutes before Judson sets it aside. May God bless Gabe for giving us this gift, but Judson and I are eager to get to the REAL treasure. Thaddeus mentioned that there were family photographs in here and I for one can't wait to have a visual reminder of our friend.  
  
Judson carefully lifts the divider out and we both smile at what we find. There are a number of things that I remember seeing in his will, including his leather jacket that he knew I always liked and an antique ship in a bottle that Judson had admired. Most importantly, there are several photo albums and video CDs.  
  
I pull out the first album while Judson puts one of the VCDs in the DVD player. Judson returns to sit beside me on the couch and we begin to thumb through the album while we wait for the video to begin.  
  
The album itself is made of soft, brown leather and has the simple title 'Family Album' embossed in gold on the front cover. We expected to find photos of Gabe with his parents and siblings throughout the various stages of his growth, so it's a big surprise when I flip open the front cover and Judson and I wind up staring at a picture of ourselves.  
  
The picture is of the three of us standing on the ship's deck proudly displaying our recently caught fish. Mine was the largest at an impressive four inches long. Gabe's was slightly smaller and Judson's fish was so small it wouldn't even have made decent bait. It barely showed up in the picture! But, we were all smiling.  
  
"I remember when this was taken." An easy smile spreads across Judson's face. "This was that time we went fishing off the coast of Florida two years ago."  
  
I nod and smile, not willing to trust my voice at the moment. I continue to flip through the pictures, each one bringing forth more precious memories.  
  
"Hi, guys! What 'cha doing?"  
  
Gabe's voice causes me to jump. I'm so wrapped up in the memories that it takes a while before I realize that the voice is coming from the video that's now playing on the television. I see my own smiling face on the screen. I'm standing beside Judson who is busily cooking something on a barbeque grill.  
  
"I'm TRYING to cook our dinner," Judson's image says in mock irritation.  
  
"You mean you're successfully BURNING our dinner," my image teases.  
  
We continue to tease each other for a few minutes. The image on the screen jumps around a bit and then stabilizes. That's when we finally get to see him.  
  
My throat constricts and I can't decide whether to laugh or cry when Gabe emerges from behind the camera, which he had set down on the table, and joins us in the fun. Gabe and I tease Judson relentlessly for the next 20 minutes until he decides that our dinner is sufficiently blackened. We load up our plates and take them over to the table.   
  
Instead of immediately turning off the camera, Gabe picks it up and aims it at me as I'm taking the first bite of my meal.  
  
"What do you think you're doing? Turn that thing off!" my image demands.  
  
"Heck no!" Gabe laughs from behind the camera. "I'm recording your eating habits for prosperity. With your figure, no one believes me when I tell them how you can pack it away."  
  
"This statement is coming from the human garbage disposal," Judson's voice comments, drawing the camera's attention towards him.  
  
The image jumps around again and by the time it steadies and focuses Gabe is on the screen.  
  
"How about this, Gabe?" It's my voice coming from behind the camera. "Of course, there's no need to record your eating habits for prosperity. Everyone knows what a pig you are."  
  
"Oink!" Gabe's image takes a huge bite out of a hamburger and chews exaggeratedly.  
  
The camera gets passed back and forth between the three of us as we each take turns making fools of ourselves.  
  
Judson and I find ourselves with tears of laughter streaming down our faces as we watch our antics on the screen.  
  
"Whoops," Gabe's voice suddenly pipes up as he's holding the camera. "Our time's just about up. The battery is almost drained."  
  
The camera turns to give us an extreme close-up of Gabe's smiling face.  
  
"See ya later, guys. Love ya!" He blows a kiss to the camera and then the picture goes black.  
  
Judson and I sit there in respectful silence for several long minutes before he reaches into the box and pulls out the next photo album and another video CD. He holds the album out towards me and smiles, his sparking green eyes asking permission. I return the smile and nod. Permission granted.  
  
As we settle back to look through the next album and watch the next video, I take a moment to examine my feelings. The pain and sorrow are still there and as strong as ever and I still feel a hole in my soul where my friend once was, but the anger and regret have diminished somewhat.  
  
I never had the chance to say goodbye to my teammate, my friend, my brother, but as long as Judson and I are able to keep his memory alive, he will always be here with us.  
  
~*~ THE END ~*~  
  
Dedicated to the memory of Jesse Nilsson. 


End file.
